Mind's Eye 2013

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational
e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor
let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet, or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so
a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a quarter coin
dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will
infect your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbours ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

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(
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|_D Allan

Life is for moral, ethical and truthful living.

Of course I talk to myself,
Sometimes I need expert advice..

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